So one of the things you must know about me – MUST – is that I have a plethora of talents that serve no noble purpose in the adult world and which are highly unlikely to bring me either fame or fortune. As this blog progresses I’ll reveal them in their underwhelming and quirky glory. For now, I’ll focus on one of them. Here goes:

My ability to render silly/smutty almost any song lyrics almost instantly.

And since another one of these aforementioned mediocre talents of mine includes the ability to memorize song lyrics, well, you can imagine the sonorous depths to which my brain often sink.

An example, just to further emphasize and underline my disgrace before your eyes. A few months ago I went to a performance of the Phantom of The Opera. Excellent seats, very good performances, mediocre ice cream on sale at intermission. Anyway, for days afterwards I sang the line, “It was the Phantom of the Opera.” Only, I had changed the words to, “She lost her panty in the Opera.” I know baby Jesus. I weep as well.

In secondary school classmates would comment on my ability to know the words to every single song on radio. Incidentally, I’m not even restricted by songs I’m hearing for the first time. By the time the second verse rolls around I’m usually able to join in partially and with some level of confidence that I can accurate anticipate the words I don’t know.

Imagine then, possessing this ability and living through the heyday of Britney Spears. I wasn’t a Britney fan and scorned those who adored the force-ripe femme fatale. But I knew – and still know – all the lyrics to her songs, including the insipidly cutesy, brain coma inducing, saccharin monstrosity:

Oops I,
Did it again to your heart,
Got lost, in this game oh baby,
Oops you,
Think I was sent from above,
I’m not that innocent.

Before any of you write to question the above, that’s the rendering of the chorus that comes after that forehead crackingly annoying Titanic inspired scene (scene? Can you have scenes on a record?) where it’s implied (much the way a brick flung into your face implies slight annoyance by the thrower) that the guy has gone deep DEEP sea diving to retrieve the Heart of the Ocean necklace for her. Insipid.

Oh by the way, those of you wondering where I am (and those of you who are not, shame on you), I’m currently in the UK. Why I’m here is none of your business (but I’ll probably tell you anyway). Yes it’s cold no ass and yes it’s already snowed. Fun times my friends. Fun times.

6th February 2012 The Basics 4 comments

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